Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
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We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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