I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
