i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
