I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
