i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
