NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
