I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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