...so i touched it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
