I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
