I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
