It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
