my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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