Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
