Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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