I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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