2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
