He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
