i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
