I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
