I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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