im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
