You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
