fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
