taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
