textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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