I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
