oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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