i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
