I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wish there were birth control emojis
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
