I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
