I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
