why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
