too bad you live with your parents still
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
