That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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