I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
