frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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