dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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