I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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