He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
