this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
