You're so nebulous sometimes
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
