You just made me feel so damn special
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
