I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You dont lie about slip and slides
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
