He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
