fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
