I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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