Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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