only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
