just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
