goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
