I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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