he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Randomize
