She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize