the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
