very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
