is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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