my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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